How to Swim Faster Using a Loser's Guide to Better Swimming

by Pool Builders on 02-20-2010 in Articles

Swimming is outrageously fun. Powering through the water with effortless speed and rhythm can be a blast. But not everyone wants that. If that sounds familiar, this article is you for.

Here are 7 quick and effective tips for NEVER swimming faster to avoid success, train without a purpose and stay stuck in your bad habits. Enjoy!

1. Never set goals.

Goals are overrated. Sure, all successful people in every field (business, sports, science, etc) set goals and map out a plan to achieve them. What a waste of time! While they're thinking about winning races, improving their swimming and becoming fit and healthy, we get to enjoy all the great shows on television, going to the pub and lazing about at home. Why would you ever set goals?

2. Avoid hard work and NEVER work up a sweat.

Whats the one thing which makes us so awesome? It's that we look good when we work out. All those swimmers out there who work up a sweat and get their heart rate anywhere above 100 look like weirdos! I mean, how embarrassing to be huffing and puffing at the end of the pool, red face and hunched over the lane rope from working hard. We take it nice and easy and look cool as we come into the the wall. After all, why swim if you don't look awesome?

3. Throw technique out the window (it's for wimps, right?).

People are always talking about the importance of technique. Us? We don't see the value in it. It's a big waste of time. Splashing about makes you look like a good swimmer, it shows power and strength. Why waste time on this whole technique business? It's for wimps who don't mind looking like softies with their smooth and clean stroke.

4. Never take advice from anyone.

What could we possibly learn from someone else? No one knows me better than me. If I want to get tips on improving my swimming I'll figure it out myself! Why would I pay someone to teach me how swim better? We know everything there is to know about, well, everything...

5. Always look for quick-fix solutions.

Patience isn't a virtue. Patience is for losers who don't get results right away. If something needs fixing, there is always a way to fix it instantly. Saying things take time is a joke. We know quick fix solutions are the best answer to any problem. Sure, they may not last forever but at least you can forget about it for the time being.

6. Eat as much as you can, the fattier the better!

People complicate this whole diet issue. They say you should eat lightly before a race and eat fresh fruits and vegetables regularly to stay healthy. Ha, morons! Eating is simple. The more you eat the more energy you have, period. The fattier the food, the more energy you get. Portion control is a made up word nutritionists like to use because it makes them sound smart. Why complicate something so simple?

7. Never follow a swim workout.

I once had a coach who asked me to follow a swim workout he'd written for me. He said it would improve my fitness and my ability to last longer in a race. I quit that day. This another example of complicating something simple. Training is merely swimming a few laps, stopping when I want to and not following any kind of structured plan. That's the quickest way to becoming a champion swimming.

Follow these simple steps if you NEVER want to improve your swimming. I guarantee you'll succeed, every time!

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